Hometown News Headlines
05/12/2021

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ReadTRUMP: FACEBOOK FOR FREELOADING FOREIGNERS (News): MADISON — Donald Trump, who outrageously declared an entire religion to be personas non grata on America’s shores during his campaign for the GOP Presidential nomination, is now calling for the government takeover of social media to track immigrants in this country. “Forty percent of illegal imm . . . .
ReadSTUDY: NEW DISEASE WORSE THAN AIDS (News): MUDCAT FALLS — Researchers at the Mudcat Falls Community College School of the Psychiatric and Medical Arts have identified a local man as “Patient Zero” in what they claim is a growing pandemic of a new autoimmune disorder raging through our society like a wildfire through old growth forest. “ . . . .
ReadLOCAL WRITER’S LEGAL SCRABBLE SCRUM (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS — Local writer Screed Mullins is being sued for copyright infringement by Hasbro, the makers of the popular word game Scrabble. A lawsuit filed in Calabash County Court claims the self-published novelist blatantly disregarded the exclusive rights of the company through the unapproved . . . .
ReadEPA RAIDS PLANNED PARENTHOOD (News): PISTOL CREEK -- Confusion reigns in the wake of an Environmental Protection Agency SWAT team's raid on the Pistol Creek offices of Planned Parenthood with guns drawn late yesterday afternoon for violations of Section 404 of the Clean Water Act. The clinic remains closed today as government official . . . .
ReadGOOGLE ON NASCAR LOSING STREAK (Sports): SPIDER RAPIDS -- Fireball Richards made NASCAR history by finishing dead last for the eighteenth consecutive week in the "ten-to-the-hundredth-power" numbered car at last Saturday's R.K. Tube Steak 500 at the Spider Rapids Speedway. "I can't explain it," said Crew Chief Earl "Lugs" McCracken. "With . . . .
ReadAARP GETTING SATISFACTION (Arts & Leisure): WASHINGTON DC -- In a move to address rapidly changing demographics of America's senior citizens, AARP has announced an agreement with Rolling Stones singer-songwriter-guitar player Keith Richards to pen a regular advise column on "modern lifestyles." "We are very excited with this initiative to he . . . .
ReadBIG TOE SQUASHES GOURD-MANIA (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- A monster truck lost control at the annual Calabash County Gourd-Mania Fest this past weekend, ruining pumpkin and squash exhibits, which resulted in several injuries due to slipping and falling during the crowd's panic stricken evacuation of the fair grounds. A perennial fan favori . . . .
ReadSURVIVOR 7: THE MAYO CLINIC (Arts & Leisure): ROCHESTER -- Filming has wrapped in Minnesota on the next edition of CBS's Survivor, which, by all accounts, promises to be the most entertaining and gripping chapter in the highly successful reality-based television franchise. Pitting two teams of eight gravely ill men and women against each other . . . .
ReadRADIO AMBIDEXTERITY (Arts & Leisure): NEW YORK -- Struggling to find its voice, advertisers and revenue, Air America Radio is exploring a number of options to help carve out a viable spot for itself on the U.S. airwaves. First up: beginning in June, all programming will be close captioned for the hearing impaired. "The deaf market has . . . .
ReadTV PRODUCER SUES PROFESSOR (Arts & Leisure): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- As if Pistol Creek University Physics Professor Fermi Groves didn't have enough trouble having been sentenced recently to life in prison for the murder of his ex-wife, he is now being sued by Law and Order producer Dick Wolf, NBC and Universal Studios for copyright infringe . . . .
ReadSCOUTING SNAFU OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE (Arts & Leisure): IRVING -- Lawyers for the Boy Scouts of America National Council are denying the allegations of local man, Art Batch, that injuries suffered during the regional Gila Bend Jamboree resulted from his responsibilities as a Scout Master. Batch recently awoke from a six week coma at Calabash Memorial Ho . . . .
ReadSWAPPING SPACES -- TRADING BLOWS (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- Producers of The Learning Channel's popular cable television show, "Trading Spaces," are admitting to casting miscalculations in the segment recently filmed in Mudcat Falls. Although the show's format intentionally plays on the potential for the exercise of bad taste and the outrage . . . .
ReadMFTV -- VIEWER'S GUIDE (Arts & Leisure): 7PM FOOD Spotlight on Salmonella (cc) -- Documentary 21477 Bob Saget hosts an off-beat look at America's favorite food poisoning with an up-close and personal look at the nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, minal diarrhea, fevers, and headaches from under cooked poultry. 7:30 44 Dick Clark's 50th A . . . .
ReadBLUESMAN BLACKBALLED FROM BLACK HISTORY MONTH (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- Local blues legend, Sonny "Bug Splat" Williams, the self-proclaimed "Epitome of Cool," found himself in hot water with local organizers of festivities to celebrate Black History Month, which has resulted in his removal from the February 23 downtown birthday party extravaganza to hon . . . .
ReadSCIENCE FINDS SUBURBAN BRAND OF BLUES (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- Combining psycho-analysis and musicology, Mudcat Falls Community College Adjunct Professor of Psychology Gunther Uberflassen has released a comprehensive study discovering and tracing an evolutionary species of the Blues musical genre unique to inhabitants of the sprawling sub-divis . . . .
ReadGOURD'S COACH JILTS JAZZERCISE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Woody Molar, Head Coach of the Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds football team came out four square against the world's leading dance fitness program known as Jazzercise during a press conference this week. Molar, who holds the NCAA Division III record for the most tie . . . .
ReadLIKE A BOWLER IN A CHINA SHOP (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- While the White House tangles with terrorists halfway around the world, our own local City Hall has found itself grappling with terrorism here at home, as a fringe extremist group, Bowlers Aligned for Return to Fundamentalism, has claimed credit for the vandalism that targeted the W . . . .
ReadSTRIKE ZONE SNIPER KS ANOTHER (Sports): HICKORY -- With the on-field slaying of the Hustlin' Hunkpapa's mediocre third baseman, Vic "Pork Rind" Perkowski, during the fifth inning of a 17-1 pasting by the Hickory Crawdads, FBI profilers have been called in to assist with what now appears to be a series of bizarre baseball slayings. Pork R . . . .
ReadWIN STREAK CHALLENGED IN COURT (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Legally licking their wounds from last Saturday afternoon's 112-2 whoopin', the Pistol Creek University Bullets girl's field hockey team has filed suit against Mudcat Falls Community College for alleged Department of Education Title IX violations and NCAA recruiting infract . . . .
ReadWRASSLIN' GONE WILD (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Friday night's Extreme Wrestlemania Ultimate Death Match Smack Down at Glock Coliseum degenerated into bonifide pandemonium when Tommy "Room Temperature" Topeka stormed into the crowd to confront a fan who had doused him with beer and the stands erupted into unscripted viol . . . .
ReadNIKE SUED BY LOCAL LEGEND (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- The sporting goods industry is reeling from news of a lawsuit filed in Calabash County District Court alleging a direct connection between serious health hazards and the wearing of athletic shoes. The suit, filed on behalf of Slingin' Sonny Turgeson, legendary Pistol Creek . . . .
ReadCRUEL, INHUMAN AND DEGRADING COMEDY (Arts & Leisure): NEW YORK CITY -- The first legal action taken under Arizona Senator John McCain's Anti-Torture Ban Amendment to the defense appropriations bill came quickly as lawyers filed a class action civil suit against the F.C.C., General Electric, NBC and Lorne Michaels on behalf of cast members, guest hosts . . . .
ReadSPRING TRAINING HITS SNAG (Sports): PRICKLY PEAR --The Hustlin' Hunkpapas arrived in Arizona last week for spring training only to discover that their state-of-the-art training facility had been turned into a strip mall. "Yeah, we forgot they was coming," said Prickly Pear Mayor Tony Santa Anna unapologetically. "It ain't like they'r . . . .
ReadGREEN GIANT STADIUM RE-TURFED (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Chancellor Emil Ferritt announced that the home of the Fighting Gourds, Green Giant Stadium, will be fitted with Astro Turf purchased second hand from the Dallas Cowboys' Texas Stadium in Irvine. "His-Toe-Ree," gloated Ferritt. "Just imagine the famous feet that have tread upon this . . . .
ReadGROUP CALLS FOR OUTCOME BASED OLYMPICS (Sports): BERKELEY -- The Committee for Legislating Athletic Parity is calling for the withdrawal of the United States Olympic Team from the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy. "No one wants us there, trying to impose our will and our way of life on the rest of the world," said CLAP Chairperson Dr. Leon Ic . . . .


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