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Win Streak Challenged in Court

PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Legally licking their wounds from last Saturday afternoon's 112-2 whoopin', the Pistol Creek University Bullets girl's field hockey team has filed suit against Mudcat Falls Community College for alleged Department of Education Title IX violations and NCAA recruiting infractions. PCU is seeking an immediate injunction against the team from competing in any further inter-collegiate competitions and, failing that relief, a temporary restraining order to keep the team from fielding its star rookie player for the rest of the season.

"I no understand. I learn from Masters it is American way to free oppressed masses from unfair discrimination of evil Bourgeoisie," MFCC Fighting Gourds Girls Field Hockey Coach Olga Kalashnikov explained, referring to the well publicized feud between Martha Burke and Hootie Johnson over the male only status of Augusta National, host for one of golf's most famous tournaments.

Taking a page from the Women's Lib play book, Kalashnikov broke the gender line this season by recruiting Russian Olympic ice hockey stand-out, Yuri "The Mad Bomber" Molotov. The talented mid-fielder quickly reprised his role as team "enforcer" putting the fight back into the Fighting Gourds and leading the girls to an astounding 20 game winning streak, a 63 point per game average scoring advantage and a long trail of opposing player injuries and ivory.

"We kicked their butts on the playing field and we will kick their butts in court," pronounced Steve Dallas, the attorney representing MFCC, at a press conference with the oft-yellow carded Molotov by his side. "The Pistol Creek Cry Babies are trying to turn Title IX on its head. We will prevail."

Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 states that "no person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance."

Alicia Fingletart, President of the local chapter of the National Organization of Women, declined to comment on whether her organization would rally to support Kalashnikov's cause.

"Not that Dallas, again," groused Clinton Svinktaogle, President of the local American Civil Liberties Union. "I wouldn't help that Nazi out of quicksand."

"We have been very pleased with the results on the field, at the box office and at the concession stands," said MFCC Chancellor Emil Ferritt, referring to the sudden increase in attendance and spending at field hockey games. "With the addition of Mr. Molotov, we've also been able to recruit other strengths to the roster to allow us to participate in the Kournikova phenomenon."

Ferritt promised that additional quantities of team posters and calendars, which feature provocative shots of scantily clad Fighting Gourds bench warmers, would be available from their printer within two weeks to meet the unprecedented demand of fans.


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