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Like a Bowler in a China Shop

MUDCAT FALLS -- While the White House tangles with terrorists halfway around the world, our own local City Hall has found itself grappling with terrorism here at home, as a fringe extremist group, Bowlers Aligned for Return to Fundamentalism, has claimed credit for the vandalism that targeted the West Bank's Tornado Alley Bowl-A-Rama, raining shock, confusion, frustration and anger down upon on the regular Wednesday night league rollers.

"The security cameras caught them replacing wooden pins with ceramic ones, drilling and spiking bowling balls out of balance so they rolled eccentrically and re-oiling all of the alleys with non-sanctioned patterns," explained alley pro Eddie "Slick" Layne. "But what caused the greatest number of complaints on league night was switching the hoses on the Michelob and Miller Lite beer taps at the bar."

BARF is a radical fundamentalist group that advocates a return to the original Germanic Religious roots of bowling. Led by Martin Luther Kegelbahn, a shadowy figure reputed to be the illegitimate off spring of bowling legend Earl Anthony, the group believes the popular American sport to be a sacred ceremony intended to rid the world of heathens, which is degraded and blasphemed in modern secular society by garish shirts, alcohol, mechanical pin setters and cosmic bowling.

"This Kegelbahn guy is a nut who's trying to ruin a great sport and good ol' down home American fun," said Earl Meeks, spokesman for the American Bowling Congress. "He's got his cult of mind numbed bowlers dressing up in white shirts and ties and bowling secretly in caves while he rails against the Pope from a pulpit, inciting them to take out their rage on our family centers through out the United States."

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security had no comment on the activities of BARF, but the office of U.S. Attorney General, John Ashcroft, released a written statement declaring that under the authority of the USA Patriot Act, the Department of Justice is investigating the suspicious activities all Americans that represent a potential threat to our freedoms. A high level official of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms commented, with a somewhat evil chuckle, that the group would "Koreshed" if they kept it up, noting that even the White House could be a target of the terrorist group. A two lane bowling alley was built beneath the West Wing during the Truman administration.

"The Bowl-A-Rama is damned lucky they used a generic starter fluid instead of Kingsford," said FDMF Fire Chief Smoky Whistler, in reference to BARF's failed arson attempt on the sports complex, "Or the whole place would have gone up like a tinder box."

Not every league bowler was upset with BARF's shenanigans last Wednesday, though, as Rockin' Rollers team anchor, Porkey Chumwater, was on track for a perfect 300 game with the ceramic pins after six frames.

"Topplin' china is a lot easier than topplin' maples," said Chumwater.


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