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Strike Zone Sniper Ks Another

HICKORY -- With the on-field slaying of the Hustlin' Hunkpapa's mediocre third baseman, Vic "Pork Rind" Perkowski, during the fifth inning of a 17-1 pasting by the Hickory Crawdads, FBI profilers have been called in to assist with what now appears to be a series of bizarre baseball slayings.

Pork Rind collapsed as he was awkwardly stumbling toward a sharply hit line drive which appeared to impact his groin area, but when trainers reached him, they discovered a fatal bullet wound in his abdomen.

Pork Rind is the seventh baseball player during the last two seasons to meet an untimely demise under suspicious circumstances. The sports assassin has been dubbed the "Meat Grinder" from his propensity for targeting less talented players in both the major and minor leagues.

During a press conference, Special Agent Dirk Stallion said the F.B.I. Behavioral Sciences group believes the perpetrator to be a white male, between the ages of twenty and thirty-five who, while he may seem normal, intelligent and even charming, harbors deep sexual abnormalities and a consuming need for power.

"In reality, most serial killers look like the man next door," Stallion predictably opined. "They do not look like Charles Manson."

The Hickory, North Carolina Police Department released a composite sketch of a man seen leaving L.P. Frans Stadium with what witnesses identified as either a Louisville Slugger or a deer hunting rifle wrapped in a oversized baseball pennant.

The F.B.I. is also looking closely at activity on Ebay following each murder in the belief that the Meat Grinder's motive may be to enhance the value of otherwise worthless sports memorabilia.

Two runs scored and Pork Rind was charged with an error during the play. The Hunkpapas went on to lose 31-1.




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