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Gourd's Coach Jilts Jazzercise

MUDCAT FALLS -- Woody Molar, Head Coach of the Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds football team came out four square against the world's leading dance fitness program known as Jazzercise during a press conference this week. Molar, who holds the NCAA Division III record for the most tie games as a head coach, called the popular blend of jazz dance and exercise science choreographed to today's hottest music an "abomination of writhing aerobic fairies in Spandex" that has no place in a world class weight training program for an All American football team.

Molar's comments came in response to a reporter's question regarding allegations of "anabolic steroid" use by "half the offensive line", which had suddenly ballooned from an average weight of two hundred thirty pounds to three hundred six pounds each during the off season and is widely credited with the Gourds breaking all previous rushing records. The NCAA recently opened an investigation into the use of performance enhancing substances at MFCC.

The bizarre exchange seemed to confirm whispered rumors of growing hearing loss for the storied Head Coach that had recently begun to leak out of "Sweat Sock Alley" as the MFCC Wily Athletic Center is known. Frustration has festered among assistant coaches who find themselves endlessly repeating their play calling as referee flags fly for delay of game penalties. Last season, the Gourds lost thirty-five yards of field position due to such penalties in a single series of downs against their arch rivals, the Hickory Kingfishers, eventually putting them into the red zone and allowing them to kick a game tying field goal.

MFCC Chancellor Emil Ferritt quickly cut short the press conference before Molar could attempt an answer to a question about the "bigger players" on his team, explaining that the coach was late for an appointment with his audiologist.

Jazzercise, Inc., Founder and CEO, Judi Sheppard Missett could not be reached for comment before press time. Her office professed no knowledge of Coach Molar, his comments or the MFCC Fighting Gourds, but declared, "We believe fitness is an important aspect of well-being and enhances the overall quality of people's lives; therefore, Jazzercise is committed to helping people understand and value the importance of health and fitness. If the coach wants to do something about that spinnaker gut of his, a few hundred of our classes might be a good start."




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