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Big Toe Squashes Gourd-Mania

MUDCAT FALLS -- A monster truck lost control at the annual Calabash County Gourd-Mania Fest this past weekend, ruining pumpkin and squash exhibits, which resulted in several injuries due to slipping and falling during the crowd's panic stricken evacuation of the fair grounds. A perennial fan favorite, the "Big Toe" Saturday night finale, in which the highly modified Ford F250 performs a variety of stunts, went awry when driver Sid Fulcrum suffered an unexplained seizure and loss of consciousness during the show.

"We finally got to use the new Jaws of Life we got for the Department," said FDMF Fire Chief Smoky Whistler. "And, boy, they worked like a champ. Everybody wanted their turn to try em out and I guess some of the boys got a tad carried away in the parking lot with other vehicles afterwards."

After roaring into the arena, belching noxious exhaust fumes, popping the perfunctory wheelies and swirling through a baker's dozen of dirt spewing donuts, Big Toe began to claw it's way over a tangle of rusting Toyota, Hyundai and Mitsubishi hulks when the steroidal pick-up veered to the left, rolled three times and careened out of control down the festival's midway where it crashed through the official Gourd-Mania Pumpkin Patch in true Hollywood vegetable cart fashion, crushing everything in its path under five tons of girth, then plowing through the boundary fence and into the river where it floated downstream on its gargantuan tires until running aground again in the shallows near Spider Rapids.

"It just ruined my lucky orange evening gown and my favorite good-guy cowboy hat," sobbed Pumpkin Queen and Miss America contestant hopeful, Kimberly Yewnitkinkle, who was splattered with gourd guts in the incident. "I'll never be Miss Squash, now. I just know it."

The incident appears to have completely wiped out the local inventory of pumpkins, which immediately sent prices soaring at local grocery stores. A black market in gourds has reportedly erupted on the streets of Pistol Creek Junction to take advantage of the sudden shortage of jack-o-lanterns in our community.

"We are calling upon the Mayor's office to investigate illegal price gouging by these greedy, heartless corporations and to punish them without mercy," said local mom and PTA President Hillary Hickums, "And we have also retained Attorney Steve Dallas to sue Ford Motor Company, Bridgestone/Firestone which supplies tires for the entire Big Toe Fleet, Archer-Daniels-Midland and Philip Morris for the negligent infliction of emotional distress in our children by their ruining of Halloween."

"Take a number," commented a spokesman for the maker of Marlboros with a sigh and a tired shrug of his shoulders.

On Sunday, Arlotta's Downtown Diner announced an all-you-can-eat pumpkin pie special running at least through Thanksgiving.



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