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MFTV's Missile Missing

MUDCAT FALLS -- Sheriff's deputies were called up river to the La Fontaine Center for Alleviation of Announcer and Anchor Alliteration to investigate Saturday's suspected suspicious disappearance of Missile Smith, veteran MFTV news personality.

Smith had quietly checked himself into the treatment center after his regular eleven PM broadcast on Friday. When he did not report to a scheduled mandatory therapy session and a search of the grounds was unsuccessful in locating the storied news anchor, La Fontaine Center officials became concerned that he may have tumbled over nearby bluffs into the river to be swept away by the current.

"Of course, physician-patient privilege prevents me from discussing Mr. Smith's specific situation," said Dr. Gunther Uberflassen, Director of Psychological Services for the Center, "But I can say that most people do not appreciate the potential problems that news personalities face every day on the job from the hazards of excessive alliteration. The incessant repetition of consonants from phrases such as 'Compelling Conclusion', 'Kids, Cash and Crack', 'Market Mayhem', 'Texas Terror', and, especially 'Ready to Rumble' -- often repeated every half hour -- can have grave psychological effects on an individual's mental well being. It starts subtly, but if not treated early, can cause serious and often times permanent harm. I believe that the vacuous Teleprompter stare and empty-headed babble so often exhibited by on-air talent are actually symptomatic manifestations of this mental malady."

Although not officially recognized or acknowledged by the American Psychiatric Association, the local Mudcat Falls Community College Adjunct Professor hopes to change attitudes towards so-called Uberflassen Syndrome, which he claims to have discovered.

Deputies found Smith later that evening in the Barleycorn District wetting his whistle with whiskey at local watering hole, Stevie Ray's Blues Club.

"Hey -- it ain't A-A," was Smith's curt comment to reporters, before he slipped slyly out the through the cacophonous kitchen to clamber back to the La Fontaine Center.


©2003 MFTHPPPGT




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