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NFL, NCAA Fight Federal CSI Legislation

NEW YORK -- The National Football League and the NCAA have joined forces to fight proposed federal legislation to create and fund independent Criminal Sports Investigation units in the Department of Justice to forensically investigate referee reviewed plays.

"Anyone who watches television on Thursday night knows that there are a number of invaluable investigatory tools and techniques available," said Senator Kingfish Tweed, who joined Arizona Republican John McCain to sponsor the legislation, "You've got footprint casts, fingerprints, luminal, DNA and stomach content analysis, all of which can be employed to properly determine the true and appropriate outcome of the play."

The sports fan lobbying group, Clean-Up League Adjudication of Plays, has been pressuring lawmakers for years to take action and federalize sports law enforcement based upon the 1995 Supreme Court decision in United States v Lopez.

"Finally someone is listening to our plight," said local CLAP member Porky Chumwater. "Sports fans deserve every bit as much protection from the exploitation of big, greedy corporations as southwestern willow flycatchers or snail darters."

The impetus for the NFL's instant replay review program originally came when Denver beat Oakland in the 1977 AFC championship game on a "touchdown" by Rob Lytle, though replays showed that Lytle had fumbled at the 3.

Even with the current review system, McCain said his office is flooded with complaints from constituents every year from September to February about the quality of football officiating.

McCain critics insist that he is pandering to voters in preparation for a 2008 Presidential bid and trying to gain some improper federal advantage for the hapless Phoenix Cardinals.

The CSI bureau created by the Sports Fairness Reform Act would be modelled on NTSB Go Teams, which would respond to any egregious officiating call to investigate all of the physical evidence at the scene of the infraction.

"This is asinine -- you can't play a durn football game with yellow crime scene tape strung out all over the field," fumed Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. "Besides, them plane crash guys take six or seven months to figure stuff out and that's our entire season for cryin' out loud."




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