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Fairways Ablaze from Sneak Surprise

SPIDER RAPIDS -- At approximately 8:00 AM Sunday morning, combined infantry and calvary forces of Hatfield's Cemetery Ridge Paintball Field launched a bold and daring bonsai attack on the neighboring Spider Rapids Country Club, catching golfers, caddies and groundskeepers completely by surprise.

"Raid on Spider Rapids -- This is no drill," was the desperate 911 call from club pro, Byron "Plugs" McCoy, caught on tape with the splats and the agonizing screams of stricken hackers clearly audible in the background.

Frantic foursomes on the back nine were quickly overwhelmed and driven back from positions in bunkers and water hazards, abandoning carts and clubs in a blizzard of scorecards during their hasty retreat. A last stand was quickly organized at the club driving range where a ragged line of members fought back valiantly with iron, spoon and niblick tee shots, barely stopping a final kamikaze charge within easy pitching wedge range of the nineteenth hole.

No one from Cemetery Ridge Paintball was available for comment, but Swirl Zitcheak, Assistant to the Assistant Manager of the nearby Chumwater Dairy Squeeze, which has long sought to maintain strict neutrality, said that long simmering tensions over recurring border incursions by slicing Titleists falling like a "Texas hailstorm" into the Hatfield faux battlefield finally boiled over into open hostilities.

"These dastardly "chips" launched their attack against us without warning or notice," said Mayor Archibald Alabaster III, who was putting for birdie on the storied par-three twelfth hole, when the so-called 'Paint Chips' commenced their assault. "I was three under at the turn! This is a day which will live in infamy and no matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the USGA in their righteous might will win through to victory, so help me Ben Hogan."

Twenty three wounded golfers were taken to Calabash County Memorial Hospital where treatment was complicated by triage difficulties in distinguishing paintball strikes against their brightly colored apparel.

"I always thought golf was kind of a passive sport for pansies," said Sheriff Atticus J. Moosejowl as he later surveyed the fairways filled with carnage from the so-called Painter's Charge. "But I ain't seen nothing like this since Nam,"


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