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Pie Stains on Fair Fun

MUDCAT FALLS -- The 137th annual Calabash County Fair Pie Eating Contest was thrown into pandemonium -- figuratively and literally -- as charges of cheating flew like meringue on the Soupy Sales Show, following an official protest which apparently voided the final results of the competition, meaning no pie gobbling winner will be crowned for the first time in nearly a century and a half.

"It was cheating, no question," screamed perennial champion Porky Chumwater through a smeared mask of blueberries and rhubarb, while being restrained by his loyal pastry caddy Happy Triptafyn. "It can't be right, what he done. It just can't."

Chumwater's eleven consecutive victories had made him the undisputed greatest modern day champion in the county's history of the sport, but on this sweltering day, tempers flared as a young challenger, Paisley Frickert from Pistol Creek, seemed to best the champ at his own game without hardly breaking a sweat. When Chumwater retired from the contest half-way through his ninth pie, an almond macaroon cherry with a crumbled top, Frickert continued on with his in-humanly record setting pace until, starting in on his fifteenth pie, a chocolate pecan fudge pie, the Champ stormed back on stage and executed a Fireman's Carry Take-down.

In the tussle that ensued, Frickert's overalls came undone and pulled down to reveal that he had substituted a Hefty trash bag for his colostomy pouch. A later review of his entry form and medical release showed that Frickert had an ileostomy performed in January, which allowed his stomach to drain directly through the stoma. The Hefty bag was reportedly half filled with pie filling and crust.

Triptafyn immediately lodged an official protest with County Fair Judges who disqualified both Frickert and Chumwater for unsportsmanlike conduct, then quickly evacuated the McGurdy Bakery Pavilion without further comment to avoid the ensuing pie fight.

"There is nothing in the rules specifically banning any medical procedures," said ACLU Attorney Clinton Svinktaogle, retained by Frickert to appeal his disqualification. "In fact, we believe the County Fair Judges may have unfairly discriminated against Paisley under the terms of the Americans with Disabilities Act."

Sheriff's deputies restored order forty-five minutes later, but all the goods gathered for the bake sale to benefit the Mudcat Falls Women's Auxiliary Historical Society's Old Stone House Emergency Medical Penicillin Treatment Fund were lost.

"I ain't seen nothing like it since Nam," said Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl. "What a waste of fine pastry."



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