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Green Giant Stadium Re-Turfed

MUDCAT FALLS -- Chancellor Emil Ferritt announced that the home of the Fighting Gourds, Green Giant Stadium, will be fitted with Astro Turf purchased second hand from the Dallas Cowboys' Texas Stadium in Irvine.

"His-Toe-Ree," gloated Ferritt. "Just imagine the famous feet that have tread upon this sacred monofilament ribbon file product. Starbach, Hayes, Dorsett, Landry!"

The Astro Turf became available when the playing surface at Texas Stadium was replaced last season with a new synthetic surface, called RealGrass.

Coach Woody Molar could not be reached for comment, but Gourds Team Trainer, Hooch Carter, said, "Gosh, it should be a vast improvement over that indoor-outdoor carpet we were using from Home Depot. I 'spect we'll see a lot less broken ankles and kneecaps, now. It'll look pretty too. That carpet was gettin' pretty thread bare, especially around the twenty yard lines."

A check of the E-Bay auctions web site showed a going rate of $25 per square foot, which puts the project cost in excess of $3,000,000.

"Sure, the acquisition expenditure is a little high -- but think of the on-going savings from not having to have Stanley Steamer come out every Monday," Ferritt emphasized when queried on the cost of the new playing surface. Pointing to a redish-brown spot at mid field, the Chancellor became quite animated and exclaimed, "This is where Theisman broke his leg -- right here -- on Monday Night Football -- His-Toe-Ree!"

A beaming Mayor Archie Alabaster was on hand for the ribbon cutting ceremonies at Green Giant Stadium to be presented with a framed section of Astro Turf streaked with white shoe polish from the boots of America's Team's famous cheerleading squad to display at his office in appreciation for pushing through a local tax on toothpaste, soap and laundry products to pay for the renovation.

Councilman Sorrell Needlemensch, who opposed the so-called "Hygiene Tax" as a cavity threat for the school children of Mudcat Falls, calling it a dangerous collusion between MFCC, vegetable growers, Pillsbury and the Mayor's administration, is calling for hearings, demanding, "What did the Mayor know and when did he know it."


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